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| i think that i like the noise that the tapping of keys makes when typing words to make phrases and complete thoughts. and i like the sound of my own voice so i read aloud, talk to myself and on occasion record a comforting monologue.
i was thinking today about why i like to write and read...
there may be no one around but there is always paper and ink or a book. a BOOK. a book to tell me that i'm not alone... reading does that for me, it makes me feel connected to others.
i want to share so i write. i want to feel like my thoughts matter so i try to sort through by way of language.
i have a terrible fear. fear that it doesn't matter. all this writing, studying, reflecting, listening, being still, thinking...fear that it's all silly and worthless.
but i have to...it's like if i don't, i will feel horrible. i can not share what i do not have and i can not have until i receive. a lot of this for me is rethinking, breaking down learned beliefs and building back up from scratch. destruction and rebuilding. it's wrecking my life. but in a good way, at least i feel. i don't know what i'm doing or where i'm going but i know that i like where this is headed for now because i sense that a new life is burgeoning. a new, better life...not easier but better. i think the challenge is worth it. the challenge to 'know thyself' (good ol' Socrates) and think for yourself...to recreate with what you've been shown, --to learn how to live the life that you've been given.
it's taking time and that's alright. yeah, that's fine. i don't mind...anymore.
"and in the end when all is said and done, more is said than done." (i read that somewhere...it isn't originally mine...but a good one it is)
so with that...
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| for me things take time maybe you should be a bit more patient and see or if i could turn off this mind of mine for just a short while maybe i would come to know that more things than not are just as they should be.
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| [this is an unfinished product of thoughts (incomplete and entangled) i felt i needed to express on a whim a couple of days ago... i am choosing to stop editing myself into a writer's block and so this is better for me--than to not post at all. I am going to begin utilizing this thing to share]
My discomfort has been nagging me increasingly over the course of mylife...like do you ever just feel like this is just awkward living down here?
I can remember hundreds of high school mornings spent worrying about appeasing others through my dress and make-up...Many times I would spend hours frustrated with myself for caring what others think when I knew deep down that it did not matter. I would try everything on in my wardrobe only to throw it all off and leave the house in yesterday's jeans and T. (this to me, was victory) I'llface it: all I really wanted to do was be naked and accepted. I knew andI know that a person's worth is not the summation of possessions that they have or the way they look but it seemed that I was the only one having a hard time at this living consumed with materials and appearances and I was the one who needed to figure out how to 'go with the flow'. So much time was spent beating myself up for feeling so awkward and being so loopy for having such a difficult time with being comfortable spending money on myself, applying make-up to only look orange and 'worse' than before, and trying to fit my big booty into designer jeans that were 4 sizes too small. [reader response :sick and stupid!] i know, i know. But give it up for honesty. and how about a joint effort to tell people everywhere that they are beautiful because they are made out of love and for love?
Things just weren't easy for me. I couldn't ever seem to make myself look like I wanted and when the outcome let me down, I hated myself for it.Anyway...my adolescent and teen years spent fighting the beast are just a small look at awkward living in my personal life. I have other strange scenarios like feeling disturbingly odd among my biological family, wanting torun away to the wilderness and leave all my junk (like my loofa and hair-dryerand desk and pilot g-2 multicolored pens) for whoever wants it, being chastised for not using Kleenex and practicing 'proper' disposal, feeling guilty for eating out at Bojangles twice a week (because I just can NOT make thedisconnection between my self-gorging tendencies here and his malnutrition there), being bored with new game-toys and cameras, caring not about my cell-phone or Deal or No Deal... I'm just into different things and I'm learning that different is OKAY. I'm not to force my lifestyle on anyone else but I can no longer try to live against the way I feel I am created to go.
I'm learning that things are going to be awkward when you are going against the grain of an entirely flawed system that is followed by the majority of people.
I had intentions to write something more here.
But I just want to say that I have dropped make-up. I don't touch it anymore because for me it's a unjustly approved cover-up of that which is beautiful on it's own. I don't want to proselytize -- if you like it and it doesn't hurt you from loving yourself and others then by all means..enjoy. It's not the usage of it that's harmful. I think that make up wearing can be pleasurable but wearing make-up to be pleased is unsuitable and maybe even deathly. Who knows, maybe one day I’ll pick it back up again. But for now, I’m living out plain Jane and itfeels GREAT.
I’m learning how to love myself. I used to not even be able to take a compliment from somebody – regardless if was concerning my dress or an actiontaken on my part. It was like I saw nothing good in myself. I think that self-denial is preached too much andself-approval not enough. There’s great importance in realizing that man, on his own is not good… but everyone has aGod-created identity that is to not be shunned. It is to be embraced and loved and appreciated and cared for and protected. Fight against everything thattries to disguise, disfigure and disembody what your Maker has given you. We cannot love others until we love ourselves and accept ourselves as deeply loved, worthy of love. Until we see the God-given beauty in every ugly part of ourselves we will not be able to see others through His eyes …embracing them for who they are as people made out of and for Love. | | |
| "We are born, so to speak, provisionally, it doesn't matter where. It is only gradually that we compose within ourselves our true place of origin so that we may be born there retrospectively and each day more definitately."--Rainer Maria Rilke ...and she's finding herself. | | |
| I don't have because you didn't give. I don't know because you didn't show. I couldn't let go because you didn't take away. | | |
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